Not just the resolve to change my life. After that, I'venever been the same again." Gently he began to trace the curve of my lips. "Itmight sound stupid, even contradictory, but maybe you'll somehow understand itif you'll be living longer with me. Or maybe they haven't changed me at all,maybe they just brought to the light what had been lurking in the dark all theyears before." Add a dramatic pause here. "Maybe you already suspect what I wantto say, but I'll voice it nevertheless. I'm a control freak. I only feelcomfortable when I can set the pace, when it's me who is the leading part. Icouldn't stand it to ever be restrained, yet I love to tie the girls I'm withdown." He still looked at my face, maybe searching for something there, but wenton before I could even begin to think of an answer. "And it continues fromthere. I don't want to say that I'm getting off from really torturing someone,but I love to see women squirm underneath me from both pleasure and pain. I loveinflicting that. In the Second War, there was a lot that could sink a ship."Lenore listened for an hour, until the Gunny came, and Deb came back from the Admiral's house, with a change of clothes and a meal.Deb left the Gunny in the Chief's bedroom, taking Lenore with her. "The worst is getting down to sit on the damned head," the Chief was saying as they were leaving. "And those Goddamned stool softeners..."Deb shook her head and smiled at Lenore. "He'd been worried about what you might say to him all weekend, you know."Lenore nodded. "I think he was feeling really guilty about it, and I think he's scared, Deb. He didn't want me to leave mad at him, or him mad at me, but he can't ... heck, I can't bring myself to talk about it." I think it's a silly fear, one that can't do him any good," Deb declared. "But it's a real fear, and he won't let me see what he's been writing in that notebook of his."15:10 Thursday, November 22nd, 1991Parade Ground, Hearst GymnasiumUniversity of California, Berkeley, CA.
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