You gave me butterflies.” Then, that playful smile of hers. I looked at Lauren’s full, rounded breasts again, and I said, “I’d like to take your bra off, if that’s okay. I’d love to see those beautiful boobs in their natural state.” Lauren kept eye contact with me, as she lifted her shoulders slightly, and reached behind herself, as she lay on the bed under me, and she unclipped her bra. “I think you can take it from here,” she smiled up at me. I lifted Lauren’s white lace bra away from her breasts, and slid it along her arms, one at a time, to take it off. “Just beautiful,” I whispered, looking at them as though I was mesmerised. Her nipples and the areolae around them were a darkish pink colour, and I gently stroked both nipples with my thumbs, making them harden slightly. I moved my head down and gently kissed Lauren’s right breast, then I put my lips over her nipple, applying the gentlest of suction, while I rubbed it with my tongue. Lauren responded by biting her. You can’t take me dancing or teach me guitar. I’ll never be able to kiss you at the top of the Ferris wheel. Our children will never meet, or families will be strangers. There will never be a chance to watch your hair grow back. I can’t ever remind you how beautiful you are, even when you’re bald and too thin. I promised I’d remember you like to be kissed gently, with a nibble at the end. Tears burn my eyes as I grieve for the lost chance to wake up next to you. I still want to hold your hand everywhere, at home, in public, during sex and while we sleep. I have so many questions that will have to remain unanswered. This loss, the slow grind of acceptance, is terrible. You fill my thoughts and my heart hurts. I wish for a different outcome. Crazy thoughts shoot through my head, bouncing off memories of you. What if I’d called sooner? I should have sent more little positive messages. I should have just asked permission to visit. If I had, you’d still be here, fighting. Then I.
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