Yes hindsight can be a wonderful tool in life to boost ones learning andexperience in order to make one wiser. However it is a double edged swordwhich can force the realization of all the supposed deceptions ones selfhad propagated in childhood only to be mortified by the realization inlater life that I was in actual fact fooling no one but myself.I can honestly say I became aware of my true gender at the tender age ofthree when I could not understand why I was being treated as a boy. Someinstinct told me to keep my true feelings to myself. It was the earlysixties after all and not an age of enlightenment.Anyway I realised with that hindsight the mother I never got to know wasallowing my desire to dress in her clothes in sneaky mode was well awarebut never interrupted my dressing up times. How I loved that velvetysmooth blue silky dress which drowned my ankles in my smallness.A mother knows everything regardless of what you might think.If you might think that a three year old child. “Oh, I’m fine” I muttered, “Guess it must be the steam from the water”She nodded and smiled, but with a lift of her eyebrow that said she wasn’t totally convinced I was telling the truth. “Well, if you’re really ok, I think I’ll go off to bed, it’s been an exciting day, thank you so much, daddy, I know you didn’t really want all those people here, but it was lovely, and I really enjoyed it” she said, and lifted onto tip toes to brush her lips across my cheeks, then dashed from the room. For some reason the heat of her lips stayed with me long after she’d gone, a discomforting reminder of the feelings I’d experienced that day. Heck, she’d kissed me before and I’d never reacted like this, it could only be the turned on feeling that all those nubile young girls had given me earlier that evening. I finished the dishes and cleared up in the lounge room then headed back to my study to resume my work on the computer, but this time I couldn’t settle and couldn’t concentrate at all..
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