How canthat be?But, after all, who understands love? Not even science can explainattraction like this. All that I knew is that I have to be with Scott,and I need to make him love me back.I must have always been gay. I know that now. It must have been deepinside me - repressed - just waiting for a trigger to open it up. He wasthat trigger.But he is not gay. He can never love me the way that I need to be lovedby him. He wants to please me. I am not just his boss. He wantssomething of all the skills that I have. The truth is that he will neverbe a great chef, but he could be a very good one. But I cannot tell himthat. I just cannot afford to lose him. I can never blurt out the way Ifeel. He would leave in terror.Until he came into my kitchen my life was so normal, but now it is inpieces. There is that sense of joy that love can bring, but how can yoube happy when you face the impossible?Diary Entry 4It is done, and I am still alive - but only just.I had the opportunity. I turned to locate the source of the voice. She was very pretty; close to six feet tall, large breasts, thin waist, curvy hips and nice legs. She was wearing a small, tight t-shirt, tiny shorts and tennis shoes. She had her dirty blonde hair up in a pony tail, her skin was tan with a few wrinkles. I guessed she was probably forty-five years old. “Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the movers would help me unpack, but they took off as soon as the last box was out of the truck and up here,” she said as an apology. “Its not a big deal,” I said. “Just annoying, and I've had a bit of a rough morning. My name is Justin, nice to meet you.” “Mary Ann. Have you lived here long,” she asked, shaking my proffered hand. “Longer than I'd like. Going on four years, I've outlasted three property managers and two owners,” I replied with a laugh. “Oh. Is it a nice place to live?” “Mostly. Most people keep to themselves and don't make too much noise. Every once in a while some one will throw a party and things.
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