Bottling it all up inside would no doubt lead to the same end that Melanie had thought was the only way out. I wore my emotions on my sleeve for all to see, even if I didn’t always explain them. It was that outlet that had probably kept me from even thinking about wanting to die like Melanie. This was a revelation, and it helped explain my need for emotional support and close friends. Without them, I would be lost.For that brief period, when I was adrift without Jennifer or Melanie, I still had Stephanie, Bethany, and Joyce. Without them, well, I could now understand why Melanie had gone off in the car and crashed it. She’d thought she had nobody left who cared for her. Jennifer, Pete, and I had all been estranged in one way or another, Birgit was dead, and Melanie herself had cheated on Pete. Finally now, a year later, I got it.So why was Jennifer pushing me so hard to not depend on people? Just then, I knew she wasn’t. She was dealing with me in the same way Bethany had to get me. I tried to sit real stillafter that realization.Because my mind being firmly between my legs, I didn't hear a word ofwhat Mr. and Mrs. Coleman were saying about walking. Everyone else had alook of deep concentration. Even Aaron, whose reflection I could see inthe darkened window across from us, had a look of absolute focus. Andmore I was annoyed by how little I was paying attention, the less able Iwas to pay any attention to what was being said. Suddenly and without warning, couple number one began to practice thewalk with Mr. and Mrs. Coleman commenting. "Slower, chin up, don'tforget what we said about your eyes!" Don't forget? I didn't even hear!My little bum wriggled all over Aaron's lap in worry."Couple number two!" they called out. We were 6, I had to figure outexactly what to do and exactly how to do it in just a few couples. Ididn't want to let Aaron down. I didn't want him to think I was a stupidladyboy who couldn't even remember how to walk properly. I leanedforward in order.
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