I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how to engage it.Suddenly I realized what was so terrifying about being myself. I was petrified about letting the dominant part of me out. What if they thought I was sick. What if they laughed. Worst of all, what if I hurt somebody? Jesus. That would destroy me.But I was stuck on the horns of a dilemma. I couldn't go back to how I was, that way led nowhere, so I could only go forward, but I didn't know how to make a first step.I was contemplating that when Anna called. I hadn't realized it'd gotten so late. I hadn't eaten anything or moved from the table where Jenny sat down hours ago. Anna's suggestion of take. I'll coach from up here."I started jogging in a wide circle. From atop the boulder, Ronnie cupped her hands around her mouth and shouted at me, "Hey, c'mon! Faster! I can do better than that!"I ran another lap around the clearing, working up a good sweat. Ronnie yelled at me, "Hey! You're hardly movin'!" and she pointed at me and laughed.I kept thinking, I love you, Ronnie. I love both of you.Ronnie and I had worked out our plan. Martha was to think that she'd go to dinner with Ronnie and tell Ronnie that I was tied up with something until they came home, while I'd be at Martha's setting up for Ronnie's surprise birthday. Ronnie's birthday wasn't until February, but I would be in Memphis then. I told Martha we'd have a small dinner for her own birthday next week, before I left for Memphis.Sunday afternoon I took a nap. I woke up, lying on my face, as Martha crawled onto the bed and settled onto my back with her head on my shoulder.She said, "Hi. I hate to wake you up, but I have to.
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