And with it, so many of the fixtures and iron certainties that marked my childhood and that I, as a child, simply believed would always be there, also disappeared.When I started writing about this artlessly torrid and disreputable summer, the melancholy I felt tugging at my shirttails was not for the incidents of lust-soaked abandon. It was for the moments in-between, where I found myself regularly thinking about how complicated and messy life had become, how libido and the pull of sex continually clouded my judgment and overwhelmed my enthusiasms for so many other things. And how the time I really, really wanted to go back to, if I could, and live in again, was the time before puberty began its pitiless rampage.When my excitement reached its fever pitch on those summer mornings when, finally released from whatever chores my mother required of me, I wrestled my bike out the basement door and took off like mad for the playground, my baseball glove dangling from the handlebars, to play. He ran up to her and John and grabbed the man by the throat. He pulled him away from her, leaving her to fall to the floor whilst he struggled with her attacker. He let all of his pent up anger be released as he fought with the man who he’d helplessly watched terrorise his Eleanor that day. As he pulled back his muscled arm once more to deliver a strong blow to John’s face, the scene changed again and he fell to the floor. He crossed to Ellie and wrapped his arms around her shaking body. ‘Shh, I’m here.’ ‘I knew you’d come, you always do’, her bright eyes looked up at him, ‘I wish you were real…’ ‘You have no idea how much I’d want that, but you know I’m not.’ ‘Well… Technically you are, but you’re just not alive anymore, are you?’ He couldn’t resist tickling her, ‘I’m alive enough to do this.’ He smiled at her laugh, at times he feared he’d never hear her happy again. ‘Why can’t I ever remember you when I’m awake?’ ‘I don’t know, but you can remember me when you go back to sleep.
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