"You look like a soldier," she says."Don't feel like one."She puts a mirror into my hands, it's a moment before I look. My eyesare red rounded, pink where they should be white. My skin is blotched, atear still caught in that scar. With my hair drawn back severely intothe bun I look a little like I did yesterday, still Toots Ambridge, butdifferent.Her."What does being a soldier fell like?" she wonders.Five years in uniform and what does it feel like? What does it mean inthis age of unpopular wars and such an awareness of self to giveyourself up to the Army?"Pride. Belonging. Capable. Sarcastic." Nothing's changed."I snort. "Everything."Her fingers are cool when she lifts my chin and very very gently makesme meet her eyes. Is this what having a mother feels like?"You are what you were, only now nobody needs to be deceived. Do youunderstand?"She knows. Hazel knows that I was a man yesterday. Where people who-should-know see only Her, Hazel sees me. Like she's seen through me.Letting go. By then she starts to panic and she must make excuses to leave the room before her toes curl too much for her to walk properly. She shivers and spasms, this heat not leaving her. She would masturbate if she weren?t afraid to scold her hands on the burning juices. But as it is as quickly as the heat comes it goes, leaving a cold tight feeling in her chest that her mother diagnoses as simple nerves.So she sits in this grubby and lukewarm house, dreary boredom manifested in physical form she thinks, while she smoulders in it hot and frustrated. If she stays in this house any longer she will set it on fire either by her own two hands or her own two spread legs. She must do something soon! And she has a specific something in her mind.That is why tonight she has opened her window up. On the second Friday of every month there is a new show on at the theatre. Her mother goes in all the finery she has left to keep up appearances. Usually she is taken too though her mother is indecisive of.
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