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The worthy recipient of his countrymen’s highest respect. The man who had, aged 6, masterminded the recapture of the Falklands from those dreadful dagoes, then played professional football for Tranmere Rovers while gaining a double first in particle physics and brain surgery from Oxford and Cambridge at the same time. The true but unsung hero of the Hillsborough disaster, it was such a shame when he had to stand down as leader. Who would have thought that not having bothered to read your own party’s General Election Manifesto before appearing on the televised debate could have been so career-ending? A bit like getting your girlfriend to look up the references for your MA dissertation, and not thinking of maybe checking the ones from conspiracy theory websites? When he stood for the Stoke by-election, and had that unfortunate little misunderstanding about the true meaning of the statement ‘I live in Stoke’, the internet went Nuttall-crazy. Photographs emerged showing him fighting. .!Sitting alone for the entire year in your faraway little cottage, with no more than a handful of errant wishlists making their way to your doorstep, you have little to nothing in common with the busy sort of Santa that could be seen at the cartoon channel.With all your elf-assistants long since gone, instead seeking their fortune as factory workers in the far east, or in oddjob B-movie porno flicks, you've got neither the personnel or the materials left to compete with the great commercial industry that has grown up around your character.Even so, you still use to take your sleigh out for a ride once every year, just to remind you of the good old days and to get your last flying reindeer a chance for a little excercise.The rest are long since dead of course, either mistaken for UFO's and shot out of the sky, or simply getting careless and suffering the fate of bird-strike. Not a case of birds stiking them of course, but rather a phenomenon that you feel should be renamed.
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