I knew full well that I didn’t have to go through with it, and hoped he would cancel so I wouldn’t have to. I spent the day thinking about it, working myself into a state of neurotic anxiety. Why was I putting myself through all this? It was as if I had no choice: my desires got the better of my resolution. I felt like a slave to my lust. What was I afraid of, that I would enjoy it? Why would that be bad? Maybe it was because I feared that it would be impossible to resist continuing, but why would that be a bad thing? Why I still experienced these inhibitions I cannot say, but I knew I could force myself to get there, and once there, I would relax, which I did. How could I do this? How could I agree to have sex with not just a man, but a man I hadn’t even met, like some cheap hooker? I used to wonder how women did it and why they did it. Yet here I was, about to do precisely that. I felt enormously conflicted, both driven to see it through, and wanting to run home to safety. The. .. first I want to act out an idea that I had yesterday, and then I need to make sure Anna is occupied for a couple of hours.After making her lie down on her bed, I retrieve the large red and blue candles from yesterday. Drawing lines and doodles in wax on Anna's skin has given me the idea to draw something more well-defined. I start out on the space between her neck and her breasts and slowly dribble the word 'SLUT' in hot red ink onto her white skin. Yes, I know, how original. Whatever.Next, I draw two vertical lines crossed by two horizontal lines on her stomach, creating a grid. "Let's play tic-tac-toe, Anna. I'm first." And with that announcement, I dribble a blue X in the left centre field. After a curious look, Anna obviously decides that it's worth playing a silly game if it means more wax for her. So she says "In the middle.", and a draw a red circle in the centre field, which happens to be right around her navel. My next cross goes into the lower left corner, which Anna of.
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