James left to answer the phone, and it was probably the liquor talking——I rarely drink and I’d gone over my usual limit that evening, not too much, but enough to break down my inhibitions——and I confided to Lisa that it had been ages since I’d had sex.“Well, there’s something we can do about that,” said Lisa.“If you have a friend you’d like to set me up with, I’d like to meet him,” I said, misunderstanding her intention.“It’s James I’m talking about.”I was having trouble processing what she was saying, and that fact must have been clear on my face. I might even have said, “Huh?”“Remember when I said we had a rough patch in our marriage? We loved each other dearly, but we were both growing bored, and our sex life had become routine and unexciting. We worked through it by opening up our marriage. It provided the spark to keep us together while we explored our sexuality with other people. James is attracted to you and would like to sleep with you. He told me so.”“Are you serious?” I was. A bastard, that's what they called me. If they knew who my father was, they'd be more respectful/jealous of the blood that coursed through my veins, dreams from him plagued my nights, the image of the dead bodies of my family haunted me."Speak the words, fledgling and they will vanish."Not once did I want it, so not once did I wish it. Now I was just a junkie, poppin pills, chasing it with rum and coke, smoking weed, and snorting cokcaine.Every night I put a gun to my head and begged for a reason to end it. Every night my father weaved his magic words into the air making me pass out, but tonight was different, no soothing words came forth, nothing cocking the hammer of the old .22 Ruger, tonight felt different. Unreal as I took a quick breath and pullled the trigger.Quiet, peacfully. Hell it was great, I opened my eyes expecting horror yet it was a valley; filled with Barley that rose to my knees. Music did fill my ears, a slow dreadful dirge like from the old movies, I recoginized it.
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