But even that was halfhearted. He had vaguely mentioned something about expecting more. I didn't have the heart to follow through on that line and find out what because somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I'd have to tell him I wasn't all that interested in him. And he wasn't the stud he thought he was. But why hurt his feelings? Why make it obvious my body, mind, and heart were constantly making the comparison to someone else? And that he wasn't up to par either? “Don't burn your house down until you've moved out of it,” used to say my mother. And I had no intention of moving... after all, he was a good guy. But then some nights that didn't weigh in his favor as much as it should have. I looked across the room and caught the reflection of the bed in the tall closet's mirrored doors just as it was: two people sharing a bed curled on opposite sides so far apart the sheet between them was pulled taught. Looked like a flipping tent. Then my mind almost as if on purpose, to underline. Half of me was disgusted bythe fact that I was being forced to kiss a man but the other half, thefemale self that had been drummed into me for so long, found itenjoyable. Then we watched the movie and went to a burger bar andchatted together. He took a small box from his pocket and gave it to me.I didn't need to fake the smile when I opened it. It was a silvernecklace with a ball of little pearls at the bottom of it. I leanedforward and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I love it, honey, and Ilove you." At that moment I meant it. He was the only person in theworld who I felt truly cared about me. Then I forced myself to rememberthat he didn't care about me, he cared about Amber Foyle, a girl whodidn't really exist. If he knew who I really was I'd be lucky if hedidn't break my jaw before my guards, sitting nearby out of uniform,could intervene.I forced myself to carry on the pretence of being his loving girlfrienduntil at last the date came to an end. Only one more long kiss on mylips.
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