In fact, I was beginning to think I might call her to model for me professionally sometime. She was holding her upper body perfectly still in the pose we'd agreed on, even while fingering her clit. That takes some concentration, and I was losing mine. I managed to complete the curves I was working on and then said that I thought we'd done enough for today."Oh Doc," she said as she moved and adjusted the sheet again, making sure I had an unobstructed view. "Would you mind doing just a couple more sketches of me that are full-body and not just upper?" Sure, Sheila," I said. I brought my sketchbook out and a bit of charcoal and sat my stool much closer than I had been for the portrait. Sheila moved herself into a reclining pose and positioned the drape so that she was fully exposed. I quickly lay in a charcoal sketch and captured the bare slit that she was showing with her fingers poised just over it. She shifted positions when I'd finished that sketch and the drape fell away entirely. The guilt builds up and conflates with an intense shame.“Boys and men don’t dress up in stockings and women’s underwear and masturbate.” “Why does feeling all girlie and effeminate feel so good?”“I must be some kind of depraved pervert, a queer, a fag”. “What would she say, and do, if she caught you?”You start to develop dark imagery of being caught, exposed and humiliated. They fill you with intense fear but, through constant association with the sensual and emotional girlie pleasures you’re immersed in, and the erotic ecstasy of pleasuring yourself and slowly bring yourself to climax, they conflate into a kind of dark fantasy which arouses you. After you’ve climaxed, with the erotic arousal spent, you suddenly see yourself not as the girl you’d created for yourself in your own mind, but as kind of warped deviant dressed in women’s clothes. You feel disgusted with yourself. The shame and guilt are still there, but without the erotic rush. You discard the stockings, high heels and.
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