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Through the sound of her voice, I learned of life. I basked in the glow of her attention, even when she was not directly touching me. I was connected to everything around me through her. I could feel the coolness of the window, the warmth of the fire, the bitterness of the past, and the passion of the present.“Love inflames me,” she said. “I can’t think when I am in love. I can only feel. I feel such a strong connection that I cannot separate myself from my lover. I don’t ask myself if this is right or if this is good for me. I am so inflamed that I’m consumed by my lover. When he touches me I am aroused. I don’t need anything else. It is enough to know I am the source of his pleasure. That is pleasure to me. So why am I surprised that he turns from me and takes pleasure from someone else? I’m not good enough. Eventually, he will leave me. Even the one who came to stay.”I felt the splash of moisture touch my cheek and wondered at the sense of loss I felt. I longed to reach out to her. Our moms made us hold hands allthe time and I thought that was "yucky" holding hands with a girl but Idid it.We spent all day at the park and I had the best time of my life and Ieven got used to holding Helens' hand all the time. It was finally time to go and Helen and I changed next to each otheragain. I think I was starting to like her and when our moms made us kisseach other good by I did not throw up, I always thought that if a girlever kissed me I would throw up. Actually I liked. Mom told me something on the way home and I still, to this day, don'tknow if it was mean, what she did, or not. Helens' mom said that when wewere putting on our gowns, Helen and I, she, Helen's mom, noticedsomething about my panties. I didn't at first know what she meant butshe told me there was a small bulge there. Mom said she was a bitembarrassed until Helens' mom told her Helen was the same. She too was aboy. I wonder how many other girls were boys.The next week was so much fun going everyplace.
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