"Because I'm evil, and I hated you."I could have been shot with a gun. My tears abandoned me and I was suddenly, terribly concerned for my life. I stepped back."But you're my mommy. You have to love me." No Calvin, I don't. Not even the Bible says a mother has to love her son." She could see me backing away, but she didn't get up from her knees."Then, maybe you're not evil." I reached for a child's logic once more."I never wanted to hurt you Calvin, I wanted to ruin your life. I wanted to turn you into a sexually repressed, walking ghost of a man. That's why I pretended to be your daughter. That's why I'd take off my clothes and later shame you for masturbating. I wanted to turn you into the kind of man I never had to fear." It isn't just you, Calvin. You're just a boy. But boy's turn into men, and the only thing I know about men is their sex hurts." Then why did you marry daddy?" I asked, thoroughly horrified."I did it to punish myself. You see, there is another reason I fear and. I'm not necessarily proud of what Iwrite but am proud that I write stories that others enjoy. There are lotsof guys out there who get their jollies and stimulation from my storiesand I'm glad I can make them happy. But it has nothing to do with me.Nothing! So that's all there is to it. And you must stop this right now."I could tell she was skeptical by the look on her face. And she justrolled her eyes and at the same time kept wriggling her toes. My lying toher was easy, but the reality of what she was doing was starting to getto me. But I tried to keep my composure. I couldn't let her get to me towhere she might find out the truth. Of course I did have major fantasiesof everything I write but never ever wanted any of it to actually happenfor real. She is my daughter and that's the only way I thought of her. Mystories about daughters and daddies were just a way to play out mythoughts by writing about them. And it was exciting and stimulating to doit. But only on paper and in my.
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