Relax. I suddenly decide that the mooring lines need to be checked again although I know that they are perfect. I just need something to occupy my mind before the damn thing returns to her again. To Julia. To the evening I discovered the truth. No. Stop it. Shit. This is driving me crazy.On a sudden impulse I jump into the sea, swimming a short distance. It helps to clear my mind. It stops me from getting angry again: from falling into the seething rage that made me avoid other people, especially women. I need to prevent my rage spilling onto innocent bystanders, like it did so often during the last months.It was my sister Annette who told me I´m a ticking time bomb. She was right, of course. She always is. So I chose to live as a hermit: it´s the best solution for everyone. But instead of living in some damp, dirty cave where I would never see the sunlight, I bought a luxurious sailing yacht. I might be disappointed by humanity, but I´m not dumb.I climb onto my boat again and decide. Neither of us was sure when it started. She slowly became accustomed to the fact that her brother was missing in action. The crying jags lessened, and she started to smile and laugh more. The first time I made her laugh after the awful news, she stopped in the middle and looked stricken. I took both her hands in mine and told her softly that it was ok to laugh, ok to have some fun, that Kevin would want her to go on with her life. (I was always careful to refer to him in the present tense.) ‘Never forget him, Lynn… but live your life.’ She thanked me, and kissed me on the cheek, and I forgot about it. About eight weeks after the awful news had been delivered, towards the middle of August, Lynn and I were spending most of our free time together. We went to the movies a few times, and out to the lake once or twice. I enjoyed her company, and she mine. She was a funny, intelligent girl, sexy as all hell. I can still remember how she looked in that bikini… and later, how she looked out.
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