’ He reached up and caught her hand, pressing his lips into her palm. She cupped his chin gently, then moved her hand into his shirt, rubbing his chest and he sighed yet again, closing his eyes and sipping the liqueur. Everything was so perfect. Dinner, the fire, her touch. They sat silently for a long while, enjoying the atmosphere and each other’s company and Gale wondered if he’d died and gone to heaven. The sound of her glass meeting the table startled him and she gently pushed him forward, sliding out from behind him. He watched as she padded across the carpeted floor, clicked a few buttons on the stereo, then moved to a spot in front of the fireplace, gazing at him. The song began with a guitar solo, then Roberta Flack’s mellifluous voice, singing ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face’, filled the room and Velvet held her arms out to him, asking him to join her. He set his glass aside and walked over, a shiver moving through him when her arms looped around his waist and her head. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night.”Kid 1: “As if.”Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a.
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