“Boys and men don’t dress up in stockings and women’s underwear and masturbate.” “Why does feeling all girlie and effeminate feel so good?”“I must be some kind of depraved pervert, a queer, a fag”. “What would she say, and do, if she caught you?”You start to develop dark imagery of being caught, exposed and humiliated. They fill you with intense fear but, through constant association with the sensual and emotional girlie pleasures you’re immersed in, and the erotic ecstasy of pleasuring yourself and slowly bring yourself to climax, they conflate into a kind of dark fantasy which arouses you. After you’ve climaxed, with the erotic arousal spent, you suddenly see yourself not as the girl you’d created for yourself in your own mind, but as kind of warped deviant dressed in women’s clothes. You feel disgusted with yourself. The shame and guilt are still there, but without the erotic rush. You discard the stockings, high heels and underwear as quickly as you can. They no longer excite you.. Right now he had to keep her heart rate up to counter her guilt, self-questioning and self-denial. After all, she only wanted to show her new friend a decent gym, right? Yes, she’d had a few thoughts but they were not making her offer. Sam knew by the time she entered the block that she would not fail to make the rendezvous, so he set out for a morning of walking and preparation. Lunchtime came and Sam waited inside the gym for the women to arrive. He was a man of means and the trial-membership plus new gym-gear was merely the entrance fee to a very exclusive show. He sat at a table facing the TV and nursed a coffee, which allowed him to close his eyes and wait without attracting the slightest attention. He entered Susan and saw through her their progress into the changing rooms. She was excited, despite her own thoughts that tried to salve her conscience, and he helped her to be almost breathless as they opened the door. Five women were in the changing room already, in varying.
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