I told him about you, too."Chandresh nodded. "I bet everyone's envying me here, being with two suchlovely ladies."I smiled. I wasn't happy that Cindy had spilled the beans about me,since the School District still knew me only as a genetic woman. Ididn't mind that Chandresh knew, but just worried he might let it slipsometime to the wrong person. I warned him that most people still knewme only as Katie, and urged him to keep it that way.On my drive home, I felt content. The visit with Cindy and Chandresh wasjust the interlude I needed to get my mind off of Paul. Someday, I toldmyself, I'd find a man who would love me just as Chandresh seems to loveCindy. Then I reflected upon Paul: certainly he seemed to love me withunbridled passion. How could I be sure, though? He was only 17 and Iwas 30. How could a 17-year-old be truly in love since a true love is tolast a lifetime?No, Katie, I told myself. You've got to break off this foolish escapadewith Paul, my lovely, handsome,. .. well, I'm not going to write that. I'm not that drunk. But I'm an expert at masturbation. I wonder if the real thing is better? (Is a coke bottle 'the real thing'? I ought to try.) But, ever since Uncle Bill touched me, ten years ago, and got me all excited, I've been scared of guys. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn't had an attack of conscience and stopped when he did? Or even if I'd agreed to let Janey be my room mate at college. Now, when I think back, even if it's degenerate, it was sure satisfying. But if we'd been room mates and doing that on a regular basis, someone would have caught us. Anyway, it's back to my faithful five. (Fingers, that is.)Dear Diary - Annette got drunk last night. And I seen her diary, only she calls it a journal. She plays with herself, just like me. But she aint never had the real thing. It sounds like she done it with her friend Janey, though. I'm going to get in bed with her tonight. Mom is away and I'll pretend I'm scairt, alone.The shy.
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