”Ferdinando nods in deference to the Vicar’s advice and orders more candles be brought and fetch towels, hot water and soap, as well as a fresh change of apparels for their suffering master. This request sends the housekeeper scurrying for more servants to be removed from other services.The arrival of candles wakes Sir Valentine, who starts to shout obscenities at the top of his voice once more.“‘Ee were like that all night, sire,” offers one of the tired servants, “fair puts the willies right up us it do.”Possessed, insane, rambling, confused, expelling oaths and blasphemies one minute, wheedling for release the next, or even begging to be put out of his misery at the very least when his other entreaties fall fallow. That is Valentine’s revolving cycle of pleas and entreaties, but answer questions put by the Judge? No. It is as if the madman hears nothing, his whole consciousness turned in upon himself.A different voice materialises inside the Judge’s head, one he has never before. It turned out she was everything to me and I’d never known it: my reason for living, my reason for writing, for getting out of bed in the morning and for going to sleep at night. After that initial numb shock, I wanted to die, and wanted to die every day, every minute of every day. I’d lived for her eyes to see me and her ears to hear me and no one else would do, nothing else would substitute. I was used to the pain of losing women, but this was truly devastating. Lexi was the one I’d revealed myself to at great pain, and I thought that pain had purchased something. It hadn’t. In the end your pain matters only to yourself. And what made it all so much more incalculably worse than a normal break-up—what made it so insulting, so offensive and hurtful—was the fact that she had dropped me for someone new. She had someone new to love and be loved by, someone she loved better and more deeply than she’d loved me, someone who touched her in ways I’d never touched her, someone she gave.
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