And when I nod, she gives a resigned little sigh, pats my head and says, "Well, at least I raised a tidy boy".Whenever she says this, I always go bright red. The truth would have killed her.You see, I never used it for cleaning.I discovered love at thirteen.As a rule, thirteen year old boys are horny and desperate. Some boys are lucky; they're pimple-free and look like Jesse McCarthy. For the rest of us, it's a different story. It's a cruel trick of nature that we're at our most sexually active when we're least likely to get laid. All those hormones, all that acne, all that boundless, frustrated energy has to be diverted somewhere. In 1992, I was stuck. I was too shy to talk to girls, I didn't have the guts to steal Playboys, and broadband internet was five years away. And so, like any adolescent boy, I improvised: cushions, mattresses, handkerchiefs, hand lotion... but the best thing was the 1952 Soviet-era vacuum cleaner in the cupboard. Mum had long since quit her cleaning job,. “Friends with limited benefits?”“Time limited, not benefit limited.”“Deal.” She gave me a kiss, then moved down and began a soft, slow suction. I stiffened immediately. “Just stay still,” she mumbled. Somewhat later we switched and I pleasured her. Then we got up, dusted the dry sand from each other and got dressed. We were nearly back to the 4×4 when I said: “See, that’s why footwear’s important.”“What?”“That’s an Arbanitis, a Brisbane trapdoor spider. They’re not poisonous, but a bite can be painful. They live in embankments, and I’m sure an area like this, just above the high tide line is a popular neighborhood. But my point is really that Australia’s home to a very large number of unpleasant animals. Actually, unpleasant to us: spiders, ticks, scorpions, a large variety of insects, and lots of snakes, lizards, and things we brought from afar.”“I hadn’t noticed it.”“You wouldn’t, unless your foot went too near and it felt threatened. And then it would bite you. Just look before.
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