I could not keep my mind from reliving my recent experiences. I kept remembering what I had done, and what had been done to me.But that wasn't the worst part. What made me feel so bad was that whenever I caught myself thinking about it, I noticed that I was getting aroused. I didn't want to be. I knew I should be disgusted, traumatized.I could honestly say that I dreaded the next trip my husband would take, and what I would be put through after he left. I did not look forward to my next session with Ted. And yet the idea of it turned me on. Even after all that I had been through last week I still had those same fantasies that had gotten me into this mess to start with!The weeks flew by and before I knew it I was helping my husband pack for his next trip. I drove him to the airport in the morning and then drove straight home. I sat by the phone for a long time. I knew I had to call Ted. My orders were to call him as soon as my husband was gone and I was alone. He said he would know if. I felt a little like when I first got out of the hospital, and I asked Katelyn to let me sit in the rain for a few minutes. I just wanted to enjoy the experience; I wanted to savor the moment. I wanted to feel the bike between my legs; it felt amazing. Jughead must be a rider from way back because I could see he totally understood what was happening.Finally, I turned the lock to 'start' and touched the starter button. The motor caught and I felt the vibrations between my legs. It felt so good. It didn't produce a hard on, but it was damn close. I pushed the shift lever down into first and slowly let off the clutch.What happen next I can only compare to is swimming. If you know how to swim, and was pushed into the water, something just kicks in and you start to swim. I believe the correct term is "muscle memory". Somehow knowledge is embedded in your DNA where you don't think about it, you just react. I found the same thing happening riding the bike. I don't know why or how, but in.
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